Advice if your checks ever get stolen: don't tell your bank

I just had one of the most frustrating phone conversations with Wells Fargo I have had in a long time.

It's not the first time, and over the past months, Wells Fargo has managed to irritate me on so many little details that I was slowly beginning to consider closing my account with them. The only thing that held me back is the annoyance that comes with such a decision, since I already have quite a few automatic deposits and withdrawals on my checking account. I'm not afraid of transferring them to a new account, but I am concerned that I might forget to transfer one, which could result in defaulting on certain payments and some bad consequences for my credit history. So I tolerated their lame online banking site, tiresome phone support and the various fees that they slap me with for no reason now and then.

Not any more.

It started innocently: I ordered new checks two weeks ago, and a few days later, I noticed a box in my mailbox as I was heading out in the morning. I made a mental note that my checks had arrived and left, but when I came back at night, the box was no longer there. I looked in the various places that I might have put it, but it didn't turn up, so at this point, I decided that the safest course of action would be to call Wells Fargo, cancel these checks and order new ones. And of course, to monitor my account for any unexpected activity until the checks get canceled.

After dialing their number, punching in my account information (hint: keep saying "banker" until the automated system transfers you to a real human) and then repeating this info to the representative, I explain my problem to the person.

"I can certainly help you with that. How many checks did you say there were in the box?"

"I didn't say, and to be honest, I don't know".

"But would you say more than six?"

Uh? Does it really matter? Fine, I'll humor them.

"Well, there were probably a few checkbooks in that package, as you probably already know, so yes, I'd say there were most likely more than six checks. Why?"

"Well, we can't cancel more than six checks".

"Excuse me?"

"We can't cancel more than six checks, sir".

Of course you can, I think, although I can definitely picture this guy using an application that was written on a mainframe twenty years ago. Right now, he must be staring at a monochrome monitor showing six text fields and having to justify this to a slowly but increasingly aggravated customer over the phone that this is meant for their own protection.

"Are you serious? When I ordered the checks, you asked me what numbers I wanted, so you know exactly the range of these checks, can't you just cancel the whole range?"

"No, sir".

Long silence as I'm shaking my head in disbelief and contemplating my next step.

"So what are my options?"

"Your best bet is to close your account and open a new one".

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, sir"

"Look, closing my checking account is a big deal. I have been a customer for eight years, and I won't do that unless you can give me a very good reason".

"I'm sorry, sir, that's the only option. It's for your protection".

"No, the best option for my protection and my comfort is for you to cancel the range of checks you just sent me".

"We can't do that, sir"

I take a deep breath. I'm that close to raising my voice, something that I rarely ever do, but reason takes over and I calm down.

"Fine. I'll just reorder new checks".

I figure that if the checks have indeed been stolen and someone starts issuing them, I can always dispute them on the basis that they won't have my signature. How naive of me...

"Very well, sir, but before we do that, I need to bring my supervisor in".

"Really? Why?"

"Because she needs to confirm with you that you are waiving protection against fraudulent checks, sir".

"What?!?"

"If you don't mind holding, sir, I'll call her right now".

Pause. I'm on hold again. I'm beginning to tap my fingers nervously on my desk, because these last words certainly left me with a very uncomfortable feeling. I have no intention of waiving anything, and I hope this supervisor has a good explanation for what's going on.

"Hello sir, my name is April and I'm the supervisor. Do I understand correctly that you are waiving your protection against your stolen checks?"

"Hello April, and no, I'm not waiving anything. I just called to notify you that checks might have been stolen, and it's not my problem if your system can't cancel more than six checks at a time. Why would I suddenly waive a protection against fraudulent checks that's always been in effect ever since checks were created?"

"Sir, by calling us, you admit that you know your checks are stolen, so if you refuse to close your account per our advice, you are now liable for any check issued"

"Are you saying that I would still be covered if I hadn't called you?"

I'll spare you the five minutes of circular arguments that followed this question, during which she carefully avoided the question. I'm not one to let go, though, so I kept repeating my question, and she finally admitted:

"Yes, I understand where you are coming from, sir, but that's the way it is"

"You do understand how ridiculous this sounds? You are basically telling me that next time my checks get stolen, I'll get better protection if I don't call you".

"I'm sorry, sir", she said, carefully avoiding the question again.

"Let me ask you a different question: if Wells Fargo cashes a check that doesn't bear my signature, how can I be liable for it?"

"You wouldn't, sir, but since you called us to notify us that your checks were stolen..."

I interrupt her, since I know exactly where this is headed again.

"Hold on. Are you saying that Wells Fargo doesn't check for signatures at all?"

This is a trick question, because everybody knows that banks and financial institutions never check for signatures, which makes some kind of perverted sense. Sure enough, she dodges the issue again and she comes back to blaming me for calling them in the first place. I decide to change tactics and see if this gets me anywhere.

"To be honest with you, should Wells Fargo ever clear a check that doesn't bear my signature, I would go to court to protect my rights".

"You wouldn't be suing Wells Fargo in this case, sir, but the vendor".

"What?!?"

"Wells Fargo is only an intermediary, we just move money around. The person you'd have to sue is the vendor who accepted the check, or the person who issued the fraudulent check".

I don't even know where to start with this one, but it's pretty clear to me that I'm no longer the only one in this conversation trying to protect my butt.

"I understand that you will never admit this, especially since we are most likely on record, but I just want to emphasize how ridiculous I think this conversation and the whole situation is".

"So, should we put your account on hold, sir?"

"Wait, are you saying there is a middle ground? Could I disable checks for my account for a little while and then restore them in the near future?"

"Mmmh... no, sir, if we put your account on hold, it will eventually be closed"

I can't say I didn't see this coming.

"How about this idea then, is it possible to just refuse to cash any checks on this account for a period of time without leading to the closure of this account?"

"No, sir. Are you willing to close your account and open a new one, sir?"

"At this point, I'm very much willing to close my account, but I won't be opening a new one with Wells Fargo".

I politely thanked her, hang up, fumed for a little while at my desk and promptly opened an account with Bank of America. At the moment, I'm making a list of all the actions I need to take to make sure I transfer all my accounting to the new account, and I'm hoping I won't forget any.

Good bye, Wells Fargo, I won't miss you.